美國大學夏校申請文書專家指導攻略（三）

原創來源：國際升學指導專家鄧寧、中國教育在線國際教育頻道主編趙剛

【編者按】通過十幾年從事國際升學指導的實踐積累，作者從數以千計的文書案例中摸索共性規律，找出中國學生在美國大學夏校或科研項目文書寫作方面存在的核心問題，並詳細記錄與學生的溝通過程、對文案的修改過程，爲國際升學指導教師和夏校申請學生提供深入淺出的案例分析和文書展示。高質量文書寫作需要從以下四個方面着手：對於文書題目的理解、對於適合文書的素材篩選、對於文書寫作的內容定位與思想定位、對於文書寫作語言風格與結構的設計。以下是攻略的第三部分，重點介紹“對於文書寫作的思想定位”、以及“對於文書寫作語言風格與結構的設計”。

（二）文書寫作的思想定位。申請文書思想定位的核心是“關係”， 仍以人爲核心，突出人與人的關係、人與環境的關係、人與世界的關係等，最終定位人的思想境界，科學精神、學術道德、人文關懷等都是思想定位的方向。

以上是宏觀、主旨層面的定位，申請文書針對主題的論證過程中，思想定位還需要體現思辨意識。

以下是哈佛夏校探討人工智能時代、學術道德的題目，要求從學生視角看待AI、學術造假等敏感問題。

What does academic integrity look like in the age of Generative AI? How has this impacted you as student?

學生的初稿如下：

In the era of artificial intelligence (AI), academic integrity could be maintained properly, if misconducts are minimized. I hold that the proper application of AI lies in technological development rather than administrative blocking. When ChatGPT was invented late 2022, for example, a considerable number of universities worldwide declared a total ban on it on campus. However, the strict restriction ended up with an even wider use of ChatGPT. Harvard University, on the other hand, allows ChatGPT on campus but within a scope of strict regulations. AI-detective apps are installed to fight against plagiarism. From my perspective, AI seems an interactive friend, who inspires me through interactions. As a student, I could save time in research by making use of the vast amount of database to check the precision of a conclusion. Apparently, some of its genius recommendations are likely to be considered when I feel it hard to push the boundaries of my study. I am totally against copy-and-paste style in academia when applying AI. To this end, I strongly oppose using the AI photos in academic essays. However, I would rather apply AI to refurbishment of my presentation, making it attractive to audience. Until now innovation and originality have not become the advantage of AI, which tends to combine as many links as possible after a quick and thorough search online.

初稿對於問題的前半部（人工智能時代的學術道德）做了迴應，但後半部分仍侷限在學術道德領域，沒能繼續闡述AI對學校教育的影響以及“我”如何看待這種影響。學生思考角度的缺失根源還是思想的侷限性，沒有打開認知邊界。

本文仍應該從“人”的角度深入展開，特別是AI時代教師與學生的關係、教學與學習的關係，需要點出AI的侷限性，從而凸顯新型時代背景下的人文精神。文書題目很簡單，如何才能想到這個深層的邏輯來回答這個題目？這個問題也是考驗學生思考的深度（deep insights）。

第一，AI是人創造的，使用AI的也是人，所以需要從人的層面去考慮，而不是簡單地就是事論事，僅僅圍繞academic integrity。

第二，How has this impacted you中的this指什麼？這是個題眼詞。從上一句看，很容易停留在表層理解“在使用AI的背景下，academic integrity如何影響你”。其實，如果進一步挖掘，“AI在學校環境下如何影響你”的主題更具深意。需要把學校學習大環境下的多維因素考慮進來，在AI背景下，分析教師與學生的關係、教學與學習的關係，進而突顯教育的本質，以及AI對教育的影響。

學生對this的理解停留在表層，說明學生對所申請學校的理解不到位。哈佛之所以是名校，與其辦學宗旨分不開，即培養學生成爲各個行業的世界領袖。作爲領袖人才，考慮問題的視角往往是“由點及面”，從一個點出發理解整個行業，從而深入領會行業與人的關係，以及這個出發點對人的影響。

關於AI，哈佛也有自己的理解和準則，因此指導學生查閱哈佛大學有關AI在校園應用的相關聲明。

經過兩次修改後，第三稿的進步很明顯。

The Harvard University has officially declared support for responsible experimentation with Generative AI tools. I appreciate the Harvard attitude towards new technology in the waves of panic to ban the ChatGPT on campus. But greater freedom to apply new technology means a higher price to maintain academic ethics. Academic integrity still means honesty and originality in outcome of research, but based on more complex plagiarism detection and regulatory monitoring. To detect plagiarism, Turnitin, a text-matching software platform, has been widely applied at Harvard. To monitor scholars and students, ChatGPT-related regulations has been established soon after the new technology was released late 2022, and hence a third-party review system to secure equality and justice. As a student of this new era, I am cautiously optimistic about this ever-changing high-tech environment. On the one hand, I am fascinated by interaction with ChatGPT to push the boundaries of my study, where a vast amount of information is put together from different perspectives. But, on the other hand, I don’t believe that AI will take place of schools or universities completely. Likewise music fans could get access to all their favorite songs with iPods, which may hardly replace a stadium concert of the singers they love. What exactly music fans want is interpersonal links. School education is necessary with interpersonal connection being secured on campus. Apart from learning, students are emotionally involved in a wide range of activities at school, where they respect others and shape their personalities. More importantly, AI education is no match with school education in interaction between teachers and students. Human teachers, for example, will respond any unplanned affairs but robot teachers have not been so interactive yet. Finally I would maintain academic ethics as part of my moral ethics. In the times of AI-fueled plagiarism spreading over, academic integrity seems more valuable than ever. In turn original research outcomes will be under the closest scrutiny. With a commitment to academic ethics, however, I could stay focused on the scientific research I am engaged, which is the only way to stand out.

（一）文書寫作語言風格的設計。在第一章節提到過，語言風格與申請文書的題目要求密切相關。

文書基本的語言風格是“描述性寫作”（narrative writing），針對不同題目要考慮描述的對象。夏校項目、課程的“做什麼—爲什麼”（what-why）模式的題目所對應的是對自己客觀行爲的描述和反思。

不過，當題目規定的範圍超出具體的項目涵蓋的內容時，語言風格可以隨之“超越”。這是夏校或科研項目主辦方從不同側面觀察申請者的底層邏輯，因此，更富想象力、更具現場感的語言風格很容易吸引校方或項目方的注意，從而達到“出奇制勝”的效果。

下面的題目便是引導申請者採取“超越”筆法和風格的典型案例。

Reflect on a book you have read or a film you have seen where you strongly related to a character. State and describe the character, their traits and significance, and how they personify you.

題目要求從讀過的書或看過的電影中找到與申請人密切相關的角色，描述角色特徵和意義，陳述這些特徵和意義如何映射到申請人的。

以下是學生的初稿：

I am a huge fan of the Japanese fictional movieSteins Gate, where I strongly relate me to the protagonist Ryutaro Okabe. As a college student though, Ryutaro Okabe is always keen to change the world. Along with other team members, he establishes a research institute for future technologies. Ryutaro Okabe’s world-changing attitude has never faded even when the institute just develops some low-end products at the very beginning. Accidentally a time machine is produced when he comes across a world-class talent. Although Ryutaro Okabe is frequently in trouble after the invention takes shape, he has maintained his academic ethics and changed the history by correcting the previous errors. Likewise, I dream to be a neuroscientist and bring human beings back to normal mentally. To begin with basic inventions in neuroscience, I designed a board game to alleviate the pain of teenagers with mental disorder along with my teammates. The game could be used as complementary to the medical treatment and part of the disease prevention. Strenuous accumulation will be paid off as what Ryutaro Okabe has achieved. Moreover, I take academic ethics seriously, although it is no easy to maintain the faith of right and wrong before authority in academia. In The Elite Program in China, for example, I took an initiative to refine the theory of ultraviolet-induced high GC content published onSciencein 1970. During the year-long research, however, I analyzed piles of data from the NCBI to see that the experimental results were against the academic conclusion of the previous study. My tutor praised my efforts and courage to challenge the authority in neuroscience. Consequently, I was nominated top 15 out 350 senior high schoolers nationwide.

學生找到了日本動畫片《命運石之門》（Steins Gate）主人公岡部倫太郎（Ryutaro Okabe）與自己的相似之處。但遺憾的是，學生沒有理解題目中how they personify you（這些特徵和意義如何映射到自己）的含義，學生糾結於“我模仿主人公，還是我被主人公映射”。其實，題目的意思是“我如何被主人公映射”。

除了人物關係（影片與現實關係）尚未充分理解外，整篇文書的語言風格回到了中規中矩的論文形式，顯然沒有領會出題者的底層邏輯。

在指導過程中，爲學生提供魯迅短篇小說《在酒樓上》中鏡子映射的寫法作參照，要求學生簡單回顧一下動畫片中的情節，挑選出主人公的典型舉動，映射自己在現實中的表現，突出自己的個性、人格。

學生領悟很快，準確把握了影片主人公與自己之間的共性，在語言風格上很有帶入感，心理描寫、隱喻的運用很傳神。下文是最終定稿。

I am a huge fan of the Japanese science fiction movieSteins Gate, where I strongly relate me to the protagonist Ryutaro Okabe. To my surprise, I find myself a twin brother of Ryutaro Okabe in personalities. We both are courageous to insist on what we think is right until it is proved wrong. We both are courageous to defend truth and challenge the academic authority in the domain of science. The time Ryutaro Okabe shouted angrily at a well-known researcher in public, who stole the already-published research results of the time machine, I felt a big thrill of courage again. That reminded me of the moment when I punched my desk after piles and piles of data analysis for nearly a year. I stated firmly to my tutor that the conclusion of the theory onSciencein 1970 proved wrong. Apart from courage, idealism is what Ryutaro Okabe and I have in common. Both of us are science boys and share the dream to change the world by making contributions to human beings. The only difference between us is that Ryutaro Okabe tends to be more aggressive while I appear to be quieter. In most cases, he cries out crazily about his dream, his love, his hatred, his suspicion, and his frustration, which echoes from the bottom of my heart. No wonder we are on the same page. He argued furiously against the opinion which denied the theory and practice of a time machine. According to Ryutaro Okabe, a time machine was a final solution to address the historical problems of the world. The fury burned my heart when I recalled a group discussion. A team member defied my efforts to explore what a mental disordered patient thought about. I tried to put my trembling heart under control to avoid further argument. Thoroughly I explained how significant my dream was to detect the unknown areas of abnormal people. Otherwise the pain of the patients and mine will never be alleviated.

（二）文書寫作結構的設計。論文式文書寫作結構是最常用的，也便於掌握。對於100-750字篇幅的文書，開頭、結尾、正文三部分結構是申請人最熟悉的。

75字左右“微文書”的論文往往圍繞一件事，“轉承起合”的狀語常被省略。

需要注意的是，申請文書首句、尾句是申請文書最重要的部分，爲全文定調，反映申請人審題、內容定位、語言風格的有效性。

例如，下面是美國愛荷華大學SSTP夏校申請題目：

Briefly describe each of your research areas of interest. This is used to help determine which faculty mentors will be sent your application materials. If you have particular interests, technical skills, or experience with a research method this is the appropriate place to highlight those talents.

學生文書首句如下：

Methodology in research, role plays in group work and academic ethics are discussed to showcase my particular interests, technical skills, and experience.

在閱讀全文後，指導教師發現，Methodology in research並沒有體現，大量篇幅是在談research areas of interest，顯然，學生將兩個概念混淆。這個案例從反面證明首句在全文中的決定意義。

而語言風格不受論文格式限制的結構就很鬆散了，爲營造想象空間和個性化，文體結構帶有一定的意識流風格。

以哥倫比亞大學夏校文書爲例：

The Columbia Pre- College program is a community of students and educators from diverse backgrounds. Tell us about a time in which you experienced a difference in perspective or life experience. How did you demonstrate respect for the other person and take their perspective into account. (maximum 150 words)

題目要求學生通過講述一個與自己背景不同的觀點或人生經歷，並展示在這個過程中如何尊重別人和考慮別人的觀點。

文書最後終稿如下：

Grandma never understood why, out of all the instruments I could learn, I picked the trombone. When I played the trombone, I would try all means to be loud; the rougher it sounded the better. Grandma believed otherwise: girls should act like princesses and be meek and gentle. As age grew, I began to see that gentleness and masculinity do not necessarily stand in opposition. Grand and masculine a symphony may be, yet its charisma composes not just of the stronger and more assertive passages: it is the occasional probing into deeper softness that makes it interesting. Playing for Grandma’s birthday, I finally decided to embrace the possibility ofdolce—“with gentleness.” As tenderness crept back into my music, I saw Grandma’s eyes lit up, and she smiled as if she were back to her teens: making garlands and daydreaming of boys, beaming with hope as we all once were.

這篇文書的題目給學生創造了發揮想象、體現個性的空間。文章不僅陳述了自己和外婆之間對於吹小號的不同觀點，而且通過描述在外婆生日時演奏小號的經歷，迴應如何尊重並考慮別人的觀點，以及這種尊重所產生的積極影響。

*相關內容鏈接：

美國大學夏校申請文書專家指導攻略（一）

美國大學夏校申請文書專家指導攻略（二）